Saturday, January 28, 2012

Just for you , 
There are those times when I feel like nothing could possibly go on my own way. I look outside and feel that there is no way the world is still spinning the way it was when I were happy once. I try so hard to get past the emptiness that I feel within my soul but know that nothing is ever going to be the same. I hate knowing that the one person so special to me doesn't feel even a fraction of the emotions that seep from me, and I wish that there was a way to tell him, and not fear losing the friendship between us .
I lost, scared, alone and I can't take it anymore. And the way he treats me is destroying myself . He makes me feel like I mean so much to him but I feel that thats impossible. He holds such a vulnerable thing captive and that thing is my heart. He's so close to breaking it but so close to setting me free as I were willing to risk it. It hurts to to be so torn between so many emotions. I wish it could all just stop.I know that you’re happy, and I want you to know that, when you’re happy, I’m happy, because I would do anything for you, because you mean so much to me. It hurts me to know that the one thing that brought a smile to my face and made me happy, is gone.

I only want to know, if you would have ever made me an option? Would you have been able to love me? Care for me? Hold my hand? Or is image all that counts? Let me know, so that I can know if it’s worth still hoping that one day, we could at least be friends, because we clearly are not, and it’s clear that you totally rejected me. I know we haven’t known each other for a long time-but my love for you was SO strong, and I was never in love with someone else as much as I was with you.

You want me to tell you the honest truth? Yeah? Well, here it is.. I dream about you every night. I spend endless afternoons thinking about you. Somedays, I don’t think about you at all, but that’s rare, because I usually don’t go a minute without thinking about you, or seeing you in my mind. When I first met you, I thought you would be different. For a few minutes you made me feel as though I actually meant something to someone.
I made a choice to finally let go, because I can't stand the pain, it's time for my last tear to fall and smile again. So... from now on... when you think of me... just remember that I could've been the best thing you ever had. While I was holding on all you did was let go.

Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don’t have. It's really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don't want to let go but its even more painful to ask someone to stay if they never wanted to stay. 

I'm holding on to something that used to be there hoping it will come back, knowing it won't. Have you ever hated somebody so much that you wish they would just leave and never come back but yet, loved them so much, you knew you'd die if they did? I'm going to smile, because I want to make you happy, laugh, so you won't see me cry. I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me, I'm going to smile.

I hate the way I could never hate you. Love is putting up with someone's bad qualities because they somehow complete you. Life sucks a lot of the time, right?  But, you know, if you can get through a heartbreak, you can get through almost anything. 
One day you'll look back and think... damn! that girl really did love me...  You are unmistakenably my first love.Every guy I am with for the rest of my life will be compared to you.

Time and time again, I forgave you. I've forgiven you for things that I swore to myself I'd never forgive someone for... and here you are, still hurting me, and I still forgave you.
One day you'll look back, and you'll see. You've missed out on alot. And you'll regret it.


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